Too close to home?

Last night on The Simpsons, Homer had a line about being “38 years old and driving a crappy car.” Wow…I’m 38 years old… I’ve been watching The Simpsons religiously since it first came on; I doubt I’ve even missed an episode. I’ve always looked at Homer, like I’m sure most people do, as a bumbling “older” guy. It would never have occurred to me in all of this time that I’ve been watching that someday I’d be the same age as Homer Simpson. Granted, we’re talking about a cartoon here – the characters have never really aged. So in two years I’ll be hitting the big 4-0, but Homer will still be 38. I’m not sure why, but this all strikes me as incredibly amusing.

Another reason I found this so funny was the "crappy car" part, as we’ve recently become convinced that my car is possessed. Last Tuesday evening I needed to run an errand. For whatever reason, the lights inside wouldn’t turn off on their own and a warning buzzer kept ringing while I was driving. It was like I was driving around with one of the doors open, only I wasn’t – I even stopped and checked! Then, all of sudden it stopped. On the way home from my errand, it happened again. The next day it did the same thing on the trip home from work, but only for about 2 minutes. It hasn’t done it since then, but I keep expecting it to. Maybe I need to have an exorcism done on my car – I wonder if that’s a service that I’d find listed in the yellow pages? I’d like to see my car vomit up some pea soup…or those 6 CD’s that have been stuck in the trunk loader for so long…

2005 in Review

A year has gone by, and here’s where I make another attempt to try and remember enough of it to put together a recap. Here goes…

Live Shows

I made it out to 45 shows this year, a few less than last year. I must be getting old. My top ten, in no particular order, are as follows:

Devo, 8/23/05 at Coors Amphitheater
New Pornographers, 10/3/05 at the Gothic Theatre
The Soundtrack of Our Lives, 3/31/05 at the Bluebird Theatre
John Cale, 10/30/05 at the Bluebird Theatre
Von Bondies/The Moaners, 8/3/05 at the Larimer Lounge
Mission of Burma, 7/16/05 at the Ogden Theatre
Futureheads, 6/13/05 at the Bluebird Theatre
Gang of Four, 10/15/05 at the Gothic Theatre
Elvis Costello & the Imposters, 3/19/05 at the Fillmore
Secret Machines, 2/11/05 at Fox Theatre

New Music

Despite my continuing cash flow problems, I managed to pick up the occasional new release. Again, my top ten:

Brendan Benson The Alternative to Love - A terrific serving of Benson’s singsong pop tunes, if not the instant classic that his last release Lapalco was.

New Pornographers Twin Cinema – More pop bliss from this Canadian “supergroup.” They might need to give up their day jobs.

The Soundtrack of Our Lives Origin, Vol. 1 – Quite a few “anthems” this time around, another solid release from these Swedes.

The Briefs Steal Yer Heart – No real surprises, just more fun pogo-punk from these Seattle dorks.

Clap Your Hands Say Yeah s/t – Very Talking Heads-esque, very quirky, very good.

The Coral The Invisible Invasion – Another CD of brilliant pop/psych/garage/folk/whatever from these Liverpudlians.

Franz Ferdinand You Could Have It So Much Better – Enough of a change from their first CD to keep things interesting, but enough of the old sound to make things feel familiar.

White Stripes Get Behind Me Satan – I’ve got a disease, and the only cure is….more marimba!

Sleater-Kinney The Woods – They go for a harder sound this time around, the needles are definitely in the red, and it works brilliantly.

The Moaners Dark Snack – Cool primitive garage blues from this female duo, with a real Southern feel.

Reissues and Compilations

I got a few of those as well, these stand out:

VA Children of Nuggets: Original Artyfacts from the Second Psychedelic Era 1976-1996 – Not as essential as the first two Nuggets boxes, but an enjoyable 4 CD set chock full of great 60’s influenced tunes.

Stooges s/t and Funhouse – I already have multiple copies of these classics, but I couldn’t resist. Great remastering, liners, and both include a disc of outtakes. If you’ve never picked up these albums before, you have officially run out of excuses – essential proto-punk.

Richard Hell Spurts: The Richard Hell Story – A solid collection featuring selections from all of the bands (Neon Boys, Television, Heartbreakers, Voidoids, Dim Stars) Hell has played with. It won’t replace his classic Blank Generation, but it’s a good place to start if you’re not familiar with Hell’s work.

VA Yellow Pills: Prefill – A Powerful Pop Prescription – Obscure power pop tunes compiled by Jordan Oakes of Yellow Pills fanzine fame.

Ramones Weird Tales of the Ramones – Another one I really didn’t need, but this is their best collection yet. The cool packaging and amazing comic book are a neat bonus.

Sloan A Sides Win: Singles 1992-2005 – A good introduction to this underrated Canadian pop group.

The 101’ers Elgin Avenue Breakdown Revisited – Enjoyable pub rock from Joe Strummer’s pre-Clash group.

Reasons I’m thankful for my DVD player

Kolchak: The Night Stalker – The li’l woman and I have had a blast making our way through episodes of this 1972 TV series. A bit cheesy at times, but that just adds to the fun.

SCTV Volume 3 & Volume 4 – It’s nice to see that this old Canadian cult series had aged pretty well. Funny stuff, hopefully they’ll release the Cinemax season now that they’ve put out the entire NBC run.

Mystery Science Theater 3000 Collection, Volume 7 & Volume 8 – I’m always excited to see more commercially released episodes of my all time favorite TV show. Hopefully Rhino will keep ‘em coming.

TV

The only reasons I haven’t cancelled my cable: The Daily Show, The Colbert Report, and the continued brilliance of South Park keep me shelling out to the crooks at Comcast.

Network TV isn’t well, but it hasn’t died yet: My Name is Earl, Everybody Hates Chris, American Dad, and The Office have made me reverse my long standing rule of “no new TV shows.” And I’m still faithful to old faves The Simpsons, Family Guy, and Malcolm in the Middle.

Movies

Thank goodness for the bargain theater: The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, Kung Fu Hustle, Wallace and Gromit: The Curse of the Were-Rabbit, Sin City, Harry Potter & the Goblet of Fire, King Kong, and The 40 Year Old Virgin all went great with overpriced popcorn and a jumbo cola.

Have I rambled enough already? I’m sure I’ve forgotten something…oh well, on to 2006!

If you ain’t Vannin’, you ain’t Nothin’!

Another one of our Yule time traditions, the holiday double feature, took place on the night before New Year’s Eve this year. Last year I wrote about Massacre at Central High, I thought I’d write a bit about The Van this time. Like Massacre, The Van is also from 1976 – apparently, there was more going on that year than just the Bicentennial!

The Van is about a redheaded geek named Bobby Hampton who buys a sweet custom van in order to score with chicks. And what a machine his van, The Straight Arrow, is – waterbed, mirrored ceilings, TV, 8-track stereo, CB radio, tuck and roll foam rubber upholstery, mini fridge, toaster...this van has it all! He’s so excited when he picks it up that he pumps his fist out the window as he drives away! The film follows Bobby as he tries to pick up girls and get some action, and none of his attempts are very successful. These blunders are supposedly comical – one girl he attacks is wearing falsies, another turns out to be a hooker, and an overly aggressive girl from a drive thru walks out from behind the counter to reveal…a really big butt! And she wrecks his waterbed! (I think the number one rule of filmmaking is: Big Butts = Comic Gold.) Our hero eventually manages to get some action with Sally, the hottie that he sees as the ultimate woman. This is after Bobby meets Tina, an uptight gal who can’t stand him at first. In the end, however, Bobby realizes his feelings for Tina are genuine and forgets Sally. Will Tina be won over by his “charm?” Will Bobby pull out some smooth (i.e. desperate) moves? Does anyone really care?

There is another storyline involving Bobby’s boss Andy (played by Danny DeVito – probably the main reason you can still find this movie in print). Andy manages the car wash where Bobby works, but is also a small time bookie. He gets himself into some financial problems, and Bobby loans him his van payment money to help get Andy back on his feet. With Bobby in fear of losing his “ballroom” (ballroom – get it?), he challenges local tough Dugan to a race to win the money he needs. Dugan is the terror of the local van community and Bobby’s nemesis (and he really looks too old to be acting like such a bully). Complicating matters, Sally (the fox that Bobby scored with) is Dugan’s girl. When Bobby reveals this as the race is about to begin (calling Dugan “a big dumb turd”), it sends Dugan into a rage – the race is now personal, and Dugan is out for blood. Will Bobby win the race? Will he lose his van? Will he get away with calling Dugan a turd? Does anybody really care?

I haven’t even brought up Bobby’s coworkers, a trio of jerks who pick on Bobby when he is at work. To get even, he gives them beer laced with castor oil when he drops by the car wash to show off his new van (he tells them to “stay loose”). They pursue him for the rest of the movie trying to get even, yelling things like “I’m gonna get you Hampton!” and “Hampton, you son of a bitch!” (Needless to say, I’ve wanted to put one of these lines on my voicemail for years.) Did I mention the van rally Bobby takes Tina to? They wander around looking at all of the awesome custom vans - its there that Bobby starts to make an impression on the cold Tina. (So there you have it guys, if you want to impress a lady take her to a custom van rally.) And why does Bobby only wear t-shirts with van slogans? Did they give them a huge stack of them when he bought his new ride? And while I’m asking questions, why in the world does Sally ask Bobby if he wants another beer when he has only taken one sip of the one she gave him two minutes earlier? And the biggest mystery of all – when Bobby calls Dugan a turd, why does Dugan suddenly have a European accent as he repeatedly yells back “Nobody calls Dugan a turd!”? So many questions…

The Van, like so many ineptly made movies, is funny on many levels. It appears to have been inspired by the 1975 Sammy Johns hit Chevy Van (“we made love in my Chevy van, and that’s alright with me…”), which is repeated numerous times on the soundtrack. Not only that, but there are a couple of other Sammy Johns mellow rock goodies that seem stuck on repeat – Early Morning Love and Country Lady. You’ll be humming these songs in your sleep after watching this film, you'll hear them so many times (sadly, I must admit that I own a copy of the soundtrack album). It is also amusing to be reminded how popular custom vans were in the 1970’s – this movie shows that there really was a van “culture” back then. So, as it makes me feel better about enjoying this mess so much, I prefer not to think of The Van as the cheesy teen sex comedy it truly is. I think of it as a documentary, a look into the teen van culture of the mid 70’s. A real slice of life….with boobs. And more!

Happy Boxing Day!

It feels like I blinked a few times, and as if by magic the holidays were over and done with. No big deal, we hardly do a thing for Christmas anymore. It’s pretty much a non-event for us. We did manage to get a nice PNW visit in again this year. A lot of missed connections this year, we didn’t get to see several people that we had hoped to. Regardless, here are a few of the highlights:

- The Squirrels 16th Annual XXXmas Show – My 13th year in a row (if my calculations are correct), the li’l woman’s 12th. It’s reached a point that I can’t even imagine missing out on this holiday shindig/celebration/drunk fest. If need be, I’ll just do a long weekend in the future if I can’t get more time off from work. (Special thanks to Paul for driving down from Portland to attend this with us, and to the Captain for putting us on the list!)

- Pizza and beer at the Big Time, dinner at the Wedgewood Ale House, late night burgers and fries at Dick’s (where’s my damn tartar??!!??), drinks at the Tin Hat (thx Todd!), and the amazing Thai takeout we had our first night there.

- Catching King Kong (pretty good!) at the little theater on San Juan Island, and the latest Harry Potter movie in Everett.

- The nearly 3 pounds of king crab my brother-in-law brought down from Alaska. I have a new favorite food. (Yes, I ate way too much. Yes, I got fat…uh, fatter.) He also managed to find A Christmas Story for rent at the little grocery store on the island, as we were bummed about missing out on the annual marathon on TNT (hmmmm…I guess we have more holiday traditions than I thought).

- The little thrift store we found on the island where we bought a few 75 cent videos to kill some time.

- Watching what little TV I could find late one night on the island (as I mentioned earlier, no cable or satellite there), I realized it was a Canadian station when I saw a Best Buy commercial advertising their annual Boxing Day Sale.

- Our usual visit to Archie McPhee’s to buy useless stuff.

And the lowlights:

- The plumbing backing up on San Juan, so no indoor toilets or bathing for about 24 hours.

- Getting stuck in horrendous traffic driving out to the south end for dinner with friends. (I can’t discuss a Seattle visit without mentioning how the traffic gets steadily worse each time we go there. And now that the monorail project is officially dead, there is no relief in sight.)

Thanks to anyone who put us up, braved the traffic and weather to see us, bought us a drink, or joined us for a meal. I hope everybody enjoyed their holidays, whatever the heck it is you may celebrate. And if your were a frontline soldier in the supposed "War on Christmas," I hope you enjoyed that as well.