If you ain’t Vannin’, you ain’t Nothin’!

Another one of our Yule time traditions, the holiday double feature, took place on the night before New Year’s Eve this year. Last year I wrote about Massacre at Central High, I thought I’d write a bit about The Van this time. Like Massacre, The Van is also from 1976 – apparently, there was more going on that year than just the Bicentennial!

The Van is about a redheaded geek named Bobby Hampton who buys a sweet custom van in order to score with chicks. And what a machine his van, The Straight Arrow, is – waterbed, mirrored ceilings, TV, 8-track stereo, CB radio, tuck and roll foam rubber upholstery, mini fridge, toaster...this van has it all! He’s so excited when he picks it up that he pumps his fist out the window as he drives away! The film follows Bobby as he tries to pick up girls and get some action, and none of his attempts are very successful. These blunders are supposedly comical – one girl he attacks is wearing falsies, another turns out to be a hooker, and an overly aggressive girl from a drive thru walks out from behind the counter to reveal…a really big butt! And she wrecks his waterbed! (I think the number one rule of filmmaking is: Big Butts = Comic Gold.) Our hero eventually manages to get some action with Sally, the hottie that he sees as the ultimate woman. This is after Bobby meets Tina, an uptight gal who can’t stand him at first. In the end, however, Bobby realizes his feelings for Tina are genuine and forgets Sally. Will Tina be won over by his “charm?” Will Bobby pull out some smooth (i.e. desperate) moves? Does anyone really care?

There is another storyline involving Bobby’s boss Andy (played by Danny DeVito – probably the main reason you can still find this movie in print). Andy manages the car wash where Bobby works, but is also a small time bookie. He gets himself into some financial problems, and Bobby loans him his van payment money to help get Andy back on his feet. With Bobby in fear of losing his “ballroom” (ballroom – get it?), he challenges local tough Dugan to a race to win the money he needs. Dugan is the terror of the local van community and Bobby’s nemesis (and he really looks too old to be acting like such a bully). Complicating matters, Sally (the fox that Bobby scored with) is Dugan’s girl. When Bobby reveals this as the race is about to begin (calling Dugan “a big dumb turd”), it sends Dugan into a rage – the race is now personal, and Dugan is out for blood. Will Bobby win the race? Will he lose his van? Will he get away with calling Dugan a turd? Does anybody really care?

I haven’t even brought up Bobby’s coworkers, a trio of jerks who pick on Bobby when he is at work. To get even, he gives them beer laced with castor oil when he drops by the car wash to show off his new van (he tells them to “stay loose”). They pursue him for the rest of the movie trying to get even, yelling things like “I’m gonna get you Hampton!” and “Hampton, you son of a bitch!” (Needless to say, I’ve wanted to put one of these lines on my voicemail for years.) Did I mention the van rally Bobby takes Tina to? They wander around looking at all of the awesome custom vans - its there that Bobby starts to make an impression on the cold Tina. (So there you have it guys, if you want to impress a lady take her to a custom van rally.) And why does Bobby only wear t-shirts with van slogans? Did they give them a huge stack of them when he bought his new ride? And while I’m asking questions, why in the world does Sally ask Bobby if he wants another beer when he has only taken one sip of the one she gave him two minutes earlier? And the biggest mystery of all – when Bobby calls Dugan a turd, why does Dugan suddenly have a European accent as he repeatedly yells back “Nobody calls Dugan a turd!”? So many questions…

The Van, like so many ineptly made movies, is funny on many levels. It appears to have been inspired by the 1975 Sammy Johns hit Chevy Van (“we made love in my Chevy van, and that’s alright with me…”), which is repeated numerous times on the soundtrack. Not only that, but there are a couple of other Sammy Johns mellow rock goodies that seem stuck on repeat – Early Morning Love and Country Lady. You’ll be humming these songs in your sleep after watching this film, you'll hear them so many times (sadly, I must admit that I own a copy of the soundtrack album). It is also amusing to be reminded how popular custom vans were in the 1970’s – this movie shows that there really was a van “culture” back then. So, as it makes me feel better about enjoying this mess so much, I prefer not to think of The Van as the cheesy teen sex comedy it truly is. I think of it as a documentary, a look into the teen van culture of the mid 70’s. A real slice of life….with boobs. And more!