Truer words were never spoken

A coworker was checking out the Oscar nominations on Monday:

“Guess what one of the best song nominees is titled?” she asked.
“I have absolutely no idea,” I replied (and with good reason – without fail, I’ve never seen any of the movies that are nominated for Academy awards).
“You’ll love this – it’s called It’s Hard Out Here for a Pimp!” she exclaimed.
“Wow! How many times have I said that exact same thing about my life?”

True dat…it really is hard out here for a pimp.

Speaking of Oscar worthy cinematic achievements, we watched The Garbage Pail Kids Movie (1987) last week. This is truly one of the biggest “WTF?” films I have ever seen. In case you don’t remember, Garbage Pail Kids trading cards were popular for a brief period in the mid to late 80’s. The cards were paintings of gross, unattractive children that kids loved, and that their parents hated. This movie was, apparently, an attempt to cash-in on that fad while it was still hot. Keep in mind, this movie was made before CGI effects were around. Nowadays, the grotesque kids would be done on a computer and added in later. But in 1987 the solution to casting the Garbage Pail Kids was…midgets. Midgets in hideous rubber masks – and these masks have mouths that only occasionally move when the character is speaking. It has to be seen to be believed. I’m not even going to go too far into the “plot,” but I’ll give you a few highlights:

- The kids include Greaser Greg (who threatens everyone with a switchblade), Nat Nerd (who constantly wets himself), Windy Winston (who is always passing gas), Valerie Vomit (no explanation needed), Ali Gator (is he a kid, or an alligator?), Messy Tessie (who sneezes a lot and covers everything with snot), and Foul Phil (a baby who asks everyone “are you my mommy?”).

- The kids befriend a bunch of bikers in a dive bar. These bikers later bust the kids out of The State Home for the Ugly.

- There is a heartwarming musical number in which the kids sing about how much the can accomplish when they are Working with Each Other. During this sequence, the kids are stealing sewing machines from a “non union sweatshop.”

- The kids are befriended by a wimp kid named Dodger. Dodger is madly in love with a mean girl named Tangerine. Tangerine is about a foot or so taller than Dodger. Tangerine runs with a “tough” gang led by her boyfriend Juice, who dresses like a reject from Miami Vice.

- Tangerine is an aspiring fashion designer, and she dresses like Madonna at her worst during her “boy toy” era. Dodger tries to win her over by having the kids make clothes for her. These clothes all look like stuff Michael Jackson would have worn back then.

- The film’s climax has the kids busting in and disrupting Tangerine’s fashion show – a show featuring clothes that they made. Farting, projectile vomiting, and the kids ripping dresses off of models are all featured. Good god, it really is unbelievable.

- Perhaps most amazing of all is that the filmmakers somehow got British stage and screen legend Anthony Newley to star as Cap’n Manzini. He owns an antique store, the kids live in the basement, and he is more or less their surrogate father. Even more amazing is the fact that he does an admirable job in this mess of a film.

From what I’ve read, this movie was quickly pulled from theaters due to parents’ protests (similar protests kept a Saturday morning cartoon from ever airing). While far from the worst movie I’ve ever seen, this was definitely one of the strangest and it was downright painful at times. The li’l woman actually watched this one with me (I usually watch most “so had they’re good” movies on my own), and we kept looking at each other with dropped jaws as the film progressed. Actually, I’m shocked she didn’t bolt and retreat for safe ground. Oh well, it still beats anything starring Tom Cruise.

By the way, there was actually a soundtrack album released. If anybody comes across a copy, I’ll gladly pay you back if you pick it up for me.