Do the Milkshake!

Yes, I’m a glutton for punishment:

Can’t Stop the Music (1980)

How does this grab you as a recipe for disaster? Take the Village People, and throw in Valerie Perrine, Steve Guttenberg, and Bruce Jenner. Write several musical numbers that go on for way too long to spice up a nearly non-existent story, and have the whole mess directed by Nancy Walker. (Yes, Nancy Walker – mother to Rhoda, and also famous for playing Rosie the Bounty “quicker picker upper” lady.) Does it all sound too good to be true? Well, then you need to see Can’t Stop the Music – that is, if you have a strong stomach and can consume a lot of beer in 123 minutes. At the end of it all you’ll have the feeling that you’ve been assaulted by the happiest people on the planet, and wishing that you could strangle the studio exec who gave this mess the green light.

I remember when Can’t Stop the Music played at the Southglenn Theaters in Littleton; I was in the 6th grade. Riding in a car with one of my best friends, his mother commented as we drove past the marquee “Look, the Village People movie is playing – you like them, don’t you Billy?” My friend shifted uncomfortably in his seat and answered “No, Mom, I don’t like them…anymore.” Indeed, nobody really liked the Village People by the time this was released. The public avoided this film like the plague. Although the group was still popular when this film went into production, by the time it reached theaters the disco craze had ended. Still, you’d think that the inclusion of Olympic star Bruce Jenner would be enough to bring in the masses. Not to mention a young Steve Gutenberg! Surely the beautiful Valerie Perrine would bring in plenty of straight male viewers (yes, it has been theorized that this was the reason she was cast in the first place). No, apparently not. Not even a Baskin-Robbins tie in (they introduced a new flavor, Can’t Stop the Nuts, to promote the film) could save this mess from failing miserably. When ice cream can’t make something all better, you know it’s a lost cause.

The movie is about struggling songwriter Jack Morell (played by Gutenberg, and obviously a caricature of real life Village People mastermind Jacques Morali), who is looking for a way to get his songs heard. His friend Samantha (Perrine), a retired supermodel, decides to help him out by working some contacts she has in the recording industry. Oh, and somewhere along the line Jenner shows up as a jackass lawyer and love interest for Samantha. They recruit singers to create the Village People, in an effort to showcase Morell’s songs. Yes, they all show up for the auditions in those ridiculous costumes. Once the group is together, the viewer is attacked by several ridiculous musical numbers before the inevitable happy ending. Yes, there is a “YMCA” musical number showcasing all of the wonderful activities you can participate in at that fine institution. In the most unbelievable segment, the band and Samantha star in a commercial for the American Dairy Council. Decked out in white costumes, they perform the unforgettable song “Do the Milkshake” (trust me, once you get this tune in your head it’s nearly impossible to forget it). I could go on and on with more details, but then my head might explode.

If I had to choose one word to describe this movie, that word would be gay. Gay in every sense of the word – it’s very happy, it’s incredibly lame, and oh-so-very-gay (not that there's anything wrong with that...). The liner notes for the DVD make a pretty good case for Can’t Stop the Music as one of the ultimate “so bad it’s good” movies. I must admit, there is a certain perverse pleasure in making it all the way through an unintentionally hilarious mess like this film. (I've spent way too many hours of my life sitting through movies like this, I think that's apparent. I don't see myself stopping anytime soon.) Still, when the ending credits started to roll and the li’l woman asked “oh, is it over already?” I was a bit shocked. Wow, it takes all sorts, I guess…